Breathless on the edge of monumental.
Feet at precipice, known behind, uncharted before.
Wind swirling, inviting, tempting.
Jump, jump, jump.
My belly tightens; my baby wiggles, so little room left.
Numbered days left inside; birthday secretly claimed.
Only you know when; only you can decide.
I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.
It’s odd, the waiting and wondering.
So little I can control; so little I can do.
Remembering the first time and all it’s pain.
Choosing to open hands to purposeful pain again.
Who are you tiny baby? Boy or girl we don’t know.
Do you look like brother? Do you act like daddy?
You have been you for nine months but veiled from us.
One day soon we will look on your face with awe.
I hate this awful heartburn; I want it gone right now.
I hate how much my bones hurt; surely I must be breaking.
And yet to be un-pregnant, to return to status quo,
I must jump off that great big cliff and let you come on out.
I think about our Zuzu, baby lost last spring.
My heart just can’t decide how it feels, here on this cosmic bluff.
To make the leap to greet you, new baby coming soon,
It feels brave, it feels weird, it feels a little wrong.
You’re not her and you cannot be
And of course you shouldn’t be either.
You are glorious and loved alone
But had she not died you would not be.
For months and months you’ve prospered
Grown healthy and big in my womb
But how come you and why not her
The Father’s ways confuse me.
I’ve been excited, I’ve been detached
It’s hard to go all in.
Last time I jumped I fell so hard
Yet here I stand again.
Please come out with crying.
Please be pink and strong.
Give your mama some new wings
Let’s fly together, little one.
I’m trembling; I’m shaking
Thinking about your labor
Quaking in my soul
Thinking about after.
Days of child will be gone
Replaced by the era of childREN
How will I ever manage having two
Regardless, the expense is beckoning.
It’s been a long time now
That I’ve been a natural birth devotee
But at 39 weeks of pregnancy
I start to wonder why again.
Oh it’s going to hurt so much
Take everything I’ve got
Why say no to epidural magic
Why jump without a parachute?
I can recall medical reasons
More effective pushing, easier breastfeeding, et al
But that’s not really why I’ve got
A great big birth pool in my living room.
“Oh you’re so brave!” people say,
To give birth at home
But it doesn’t feel brave at all
Just comfy and right and normal.
I think about what’s coming next,
The beast that is postpartum.
I think about what’s coming next,
The love that is new baby.
My labor will be (I pray) just one day,
One day among thousands
My mothering will go on and on,
And I’ll need to know how strong I am.
